Bianca Dear,
While I may be giving off signs that I am, for lack of a less nauseating word, smitten with New Guy, rest assured that I am still your ever cynical, always sarcastic, bad to the bone, friend.
I am proud, though not surprised; you were able to match each DramaWhore to their New Year’s Eve behavior. They were certainly a handful, but what can I say? I love ‘em all (even when I’m threatening to eviscerate them one by one). For without them, my life would be drama free and far too simple.
And now on to Commitment Jam 2010… (Where do you come up with this stuff?)
We all know that I am a commitment-phobe and am totally terrified of all things relationship oriented. It was long before the Chernobyl sized disaster of a break up I just went through with Hacking, but hopefully won’t continue for long after. I may be ready to dump the dread and attempt a committed relationship (wow, I didn’t even have to pop a Xanax before or after typing that sentence… progress?).
In an attempt to let go, I’ve totally forgiven Hacking for being a lying, cheating, double life living, no good, rotten, ass kissing, proposing marriage via email after we broke up, loser with no future. I see no need to harbor any bad feelings for him and his fake tan, bad jeans and spiky hair (that will no doubt get him an audition for a later cast of Jersey Shore). In all honesty, I’ve moved on and am at total peace, but I reserve the right to mock him whenever I feel necessary or burn a life size voodoo doll if I see fit… deal?
(*Note: If you and my mom have already created and burned a Hacking size effigy, I’ll have to think of something new.)
New Guy is great and his pro’s far outweigh anything I (we) might perceive as a con. Though, the tight white pants of the lead singer of his band are very concerning (for his sperm count more than anything else).
In other news, Toyota recalled eight models of cars! Take a deep breath though, love! Our Prius’ are safe and all is right with the world.
Koala Bear Hugs and Hybrid Synergy Drive Dreams,
Bridget
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
TYMU (Things You Must Understand)
Bridget, oh Bridget Bridgetty Bridge;
I can't believe you, my most cynical friend, were Jennifer Love Hewitt (J Love as I like to call her) on New Years. I'm happy for you because New Guy is a catch, but I still threw up in my mouth a little. I can't believe you're dating such a romantic guy! You. Tatooed, pierced, and scorned... is dating the Mark Ruffalo-John Cusak variety? Who are you and what have you done with my friend! Are you going to dye your hair blonde now? Change your tattoo from "BAMF" to "GIGGLE"?
*On a quick side note, I was able to match each Drama Whore (DW... also known as friends) with each of your described girls on new years.... I love them so much, they're so predictible. hehe.... PS: Our friend DW Capricorn, is still dating the dude she smooched on New Years. This is a record. More on that as it progresses.
So back to New Guy. You've been dating for about two months now, you're entering dangerous territory. And if I know anything about you (which clearly, I do), that means you are definitely in to him (he passed the 2 week test), but don't want to commit. What's a Bridget to do?! Let me offer some help on Commitment Jam 2010:
Pros:
-He's a drummer in a super kick-ass locally recognized band
-He's smart
-He has the most well quaffed beard I've ever seen
-He's a no-mo (non-mormon).
Cons:
-He's friends with that weird red head guy who bought us drinks that one night but then awkwardly confessed to having a girlfriend
-He's nerdy. (But you like that in a man, so I guess it's a pro)
-You and Hacking just barely ended that plane crash of a break up
-The lead singer of his kick-ass band wears pants so tight you can see his gibblets. I'm serious, he might as well have been naked.
Contemplate the above and get back to me on your decision.
As far as that gun-toting ignorantista Palin is concerned, secretly I love it. They couldn't have picked a more polarizing person for this job. I just checked Fox News' website and they changed their slogan to unfair and lopsided! That's neat.
Love and koala bears, Bianca
xoxo
Things you must understand:
DWs: Drama Whores. Why Bianca, can you use it in a sentence? Yes. "I hung out with the DWs last night, yadda yadda yadda, I woke up with someone elses panties on this morning".
DW Capricorn: A close friend of ours who loves make-up, cats, and astrology. All of our friends must remain anonymous.
No-Mo: A person who does not believe in the mormon faith. AKA: Someone we would get along with.
Hacking: Bridget's horrible sociopathic ex-boyfriend. The reference is Mark Hacking, if you don't know it, JFGI.
JFGI: Just f*^king google it.
BAMF: Stands for Bad Ass Mother F*^ker. An acronym that is literally tattooed on Bridget's body... on a part that rhymes with rass.
I can't believe you, my most cynical friend, were Jennifer Love Hewitt (J Love as I like to call her) on New Years. I'm happy for you because New Guy is a catch, but I still threw up in my mouth a little. I can't believe you're dating such a romantic guy! You. Tatooed, pierced, and scorned... is dating the Mark Ruffalo-John Cusak variety? Who are you and what have you done with my friend! Are you going to dye your hair blonde now? Change your tattoo from "BAMF" to "GIGGLE"?
*On a quick side note, I was able to match each Drama Whore (DW... also known as friends) with each of your described girls on new years.... I love them so much, they're so predictible. hehe.... PS: Our friend DW Capricorn, is still dating the dude she smooched on New Years. This is a record. More on that as it progresses.
So back to New Guy. You've been dating for about two months now, you're entering dangerous territory. And if I know anything about you (which clearly, I do), that means you are definitely in to him (he passed the 2 week test), but don't want to commit. What's a Bridget to do?! Let me offer some help on Commitment Jam 2010:
Pros:
-He's a drummer in a super kick-ass locally recognized band
-He's smart
-He has the most well quaffed beard I've ever seen
-He's a no-mo (non-mormon).
Cons:
-He's friends with that weird red head guy who bought us drinks that one night but then awkwardly confessed to having a girlfriend
-He's nerdy. (But you like that in a man, so I guess it's a pro)
-You and Hacking just barely ended that plane crash of a break up
-The lead singer of his kick-ass band wears pants so tight you can see his gibblets. I'm serious, he might as well have been naked.
Contemplate the above and get back to me on your decision.
As far as that gun-toting ignorantista Palin is concerned, secretly I love it. They couldn't have picked a more polarizing person for this job. I just checked Fox News' website and they changed their slogan to unfair and lopsided! That's neat.
Love and koala bears, Bianca
xoxo
Things you must understand:
DWs: Drama Whores. Why Bianca, can you use it in a sentence? Yes. "I hung out with the DWs last night, yadda yadda yadda, I woke up with someone elses panties on this morning".
DW Capricorn: A close friend of ours who loves make-up, cats, and astrology. All of our friends must remain anonymous.
No-Mo: A person who does not believe in the mormon faith. AKA: Someone we would get along with.
Hacking: Bridget's horrible sociopathic ex-boyfriend. The reference is Mark Hacking, if you don't know it, JFGI.
JFGI: Just f*^king google it.
BAMF: Stands for Bad Ass Mother F*^ker. An acronym that is literally tattooed on Bridget's body... on a part that rhymes with rass.
Monday, January 18, 2010
I am Jennifer Love Hewitt, Who Are You?
Dearest Bianca,
My New Years was pretty fantastic; for one, key reason: I went in with exceedingly low expectations. (For the record, my vote was for a sweats, reality TV and champagne from the comfort of my couch, but of course, THAT couldn't happen.)
Bianca, I was Jennifer Love Hewitt on New Years, but more on that later.
New Years is always a disaster of epic proportions because girls go into it thinking it's NEW YEARS!!! WOOO!!!, not New Years. (Bridget thought: I'd be curious to know what guys go into it thinking.) Even if a girl thinks it'll be low key and wonderful and super exciting to be surrounded by her friends to ring in the new year, that girl is quickly reminded that she is surrounded by her friends and that it couldn't possibly go that smoothly. I feel as though the girls you described combine to form every group of girls in this universe and we're all doomed to a life of slightly lame, though entertaining, New Years' celebrations.
For my new years, I was literally surrounded by Girls 1-4 (and obviously wished I was Girl #6). Seeing as we share these loveable drama whores as friends, I'm just going to assume you know who I'm talking about in each situation.
Girl #1 wasn't in the bathroom, she was wandering (read: stumbling) somewhere in the alley outside of the bar for the countdown, though I'm not sure she was looking for Mr. Right Lips, I'm not entirely sure what she was looking for... probably more booze.
Girl #2 was most certainly on a mission. She found her New Years kiss as we were walking into the bar. She even kissed him once outside the bar to 'seal the deal.' Yes, you read right, she lined up her countdown sweetie long before midnight and practically hurled herself across the bar so her lips would meet his just in time (never mind he was talking to another girl before and after their smackity smack).
Girl #3 was an absolute treat. She was only concerned with her girls (and maybe helping me make fun of girls 1 & 2). Though I can't say that there's proof of a sloppy all girls exchange at midnight, I can't say that there's not, either.
Girl #4 is where it gets a little bit hazy, I think I might have been Girl #4, but I'm not for sure on that one. B, I definitely started the night as Girl #3, maybe wanted to be Girl #2 a little bit and definitely ended with something romantic. So romantic infact, had it been anyone other than myself I would've made fun of them forever. Seriously, under any other circumstance I would have hurled, big time.
Here's where my Jennifer Love Hewitt moment happens: At the bar, surrounded by the girls, not terribly concerned about kissing someone in the next few seconds (mostly worried some creeper was going to grab my face and plant his yucky lips on me -obviously not impaired enough for the evening). Thinking a little about the boy that I've been casually dating for a few weeks, but knowing it was much too early for either of us to ditch our friends on this holiest (read: lamest) of eves. We started counting down and celebrating the new year, jumping up and down, hesitantly looking around at the people surrounding us as it got nearer and nearer to 2010, when I saw a familiar face walking toward me. You guessed it, it was the aforementioned boy! He ducked out of his friend's get-together and came and found me at the bar to kiss me on New Years. No call, no text, no warning. Yes, Bianca, 2010 is the year where I'm Jennifer Love Hewitt from all the teeny bopper movies of the late nineties, early two thousands (is that what we call the time from 2000-2005ish?).
But if I'm Girl #4, does that mean the boy is going to wind up being an a-hole? Advice!
{Sigh} Such an overrated, under-enjoyed holiday.
In other news, did you hear Sarah Palin is now a contributor for the evilness that is Fox News? "Now Sarah Palin will be working for Fox News, rather than the other way around." -John August {Ba DUM Ching!}
Prius Kisses,
Bridget
My New Years was pretty fantastic; for one, key reason: I went in with exceedingly low expectations. (For the record, my vote was for a sweats, reality TV and champagne from the comfort of my couch, but of course, THAT couldn't happen.)
Bianca, I was Jennifer Love Hewitt on New Years, but more on that later.
New Years is always a disaster of epic proportions because girls go into it thinking it's NEW YEARS!!! WOOO!!!, not New Years. (Bridget thought: I'd be curious to know what guys go into it thinking.) Even if a girl thinks it'll be low key and wonderful and super exciting to be surrounded by her friends to ring in the new year, that girl is quickly reminded that she is surrounded by her friends and that it couldn't possibly go that smoothly. I feel as though the girls you described combine to form every group of girls in this universe and we're all doomed to a life of slightly lame, though entertaining, New Years' celebrations.
For my new years, I was literally surrounded by Girls 1-4 (and obviously wished I was Girl #6). Seeing as we share these loveable drama whores as friends, I'm just going to assume you know who I'm talking about in each situation.
Girl #1 wasn't in the bathroom, she was wandering (read: stumbling) somewhere in the alley outside of the bar for the countdown, though I'm not sure she was looking for Mr. Right Lips, I'm not entirely sure what she was looking for... probably more booze.
Girl #2 was most certainly on a mission. She found her New Years kiss as we were walking into the bar. She even kissed him once outside the bar to 'seal the deal.' Yes, you read right, she lined up her countdown sweetie long before midnight and practically hurled herself across the bar so her lips would meet his just in time (never mind he was talking to another girl before and after their smackity smack).
Girl #3 was an absolute treat. She was only concerned with her girls (and maybe helping me make fun of girls 1 & 2). Though I can't say that there's proof of a sloppy all girls exchange at midnight, I can't say that there's not, either.
Girl #4 is where it gets a little bit hazy, I think I might have been Girl #4, but I'm not for sure on that one. B, I definitely started the night as Girl #3, maybe wanted to be Girl #2 a little bit and definitely ended with something romantic. So romantic infact, had it been anyone other than myself I would've made fun of them forever. Seriously, under any other circumstance I would have hurled, big time.
Here's where my Jennifer Love Hewitt moment happens: At the bar, surrounded by the girls, not terribly concerned about kissing someone in the next few seconds (mostly worried some creeper was going to grab my face and plant his yucky lips on me -obviously not impaired enough for the evening). Thinking a little about the boy that I've been casually dating for a few weeks, but knowing it was much too early for either of us to ditch our friends on this holiest (read: lamest) of eves. We started counting down and celebrating the new year, jumping up and down, hesitantly looking around at the people surrounding us as it got nearer and nearer to 2010, when I saw a familiar face walking toward me. You guessed it, it was the aforementioned boy! He ducked out of his friend's get-together and came and found me at the bar to kiss me on New Years. No call, no text, no warning. Yes, Bianca, 2010 is the year where I'm Jennifer Love Hewitt from all the teeny bopper movies of the late nineties, early two thousands (is that what we call the time from 2000-2005ish?).
But if I'm Girl #4, does that mean the boy is going to wind up being an a-hole? Advice!
{Sigh} Such an overrated, under-enjoyed holiday.
In other news, did you hear Sarah Palin is now a contributor for the evilness that is Fox News? "Now Sarah Palin will be working for Fox News, rather than the other way around." -John August {Ba DUM Ching!}
Prius Kisses,
Bridget
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Which New Years Girl Are You?
Hello Bridget!
How was your new years? I'm so glad I was in California. Coatless.
I know I say this every single year, but can we acknowledge this as the most overrated holiday ever? Put it in to perspective... Are we ever disappointed frolicking the streets of New York on St. Patty's day? No. Are we ever disappointed whilst riding beach cruisers on our Nation's Independence Day? Hell no! Poolside on Labor Day? NO. Halloween? I think you know the answer to that.
The expectations are the problem. We expect the epic night of the year, but all we end up with are pictures on facebook of how hot we looked after getting ready for three hours and disappointment. This country is filled with diverse women from all walks of life, but no matter who or where you are on New Years, the night always plays out the same. Regardless of who you are, you are one of the following girls on horribly overrated holiday:
Girl #1: The girl who conveniently ends up in the bathroom stall at 11:58 p.m. This girl has scanned the bar all night for Mr. 12:01, but has come up empty handed. This girl can be heard saying, "Omg you guys, can you believe I missed the countdown in the bathroom, I'm so bummed!" Except she's NOT bummed. She's super stoaked she made it into a stall instead of being stuck behind lip-locked strangers.
Which brings me to Girl #2: The lip-locked stranger. This girl is on a mission. She hasn't had a boyfriend for the last few New Years' and she's not about to ring in another year couped up in a bathroom stall. She's been scanning the bar all night for the right guy, but at 11:50 she's still standing with her posse. Alone. This girl waits until the last minute to see who hasn't paired up, then grabs the nearest guy and shares a smooch at the last second. Saved by the bell... This romance doesn't last through Auld Sang Lyne.
Girl #3: The "lets just be with our girls tonight" girl. This girl is out with her single friends and is not about to be alone when they find a guy. If she's sans man tonight you better believe so are the rest of her friends. She rings in the New Year with her posse in a big group hug. She can be heard saying, "We dont need guys, all we need is eachother!" This is immediately followed by a quick chug of wine, a roll of the eyes, and resentment from everyone within earshot. *This category has a sub category in the event Girl #3 drinks far too much in which the group hug is replaced with a big dirty group kiss. This is almost always documented, made viral and regretted. (I've been there).
Girl #4: The hopeless romantic. This girl started her night as Girl #3, hoping to be Girl #2, but lucks out and meets "THE ONE". Keep in mind that all women are especially vulnerable on this ridiculous holiday, so it doesn't take much for a man to charm the pants off one of us (Literally). This girl meets this guy when he buys her a drink. He listens to her, shares her passion for astrology and cats, and makes out with said romantic in to the wee hours of the new year. This girl can be heard saying, "I can't believe how lucky I am that I met this amazing guy, it's like a fairy tale!" Days later she can be heard saying.. "What a f*cking ass hole".
Girl #5: The girl in the relationship: She kisses her mate. There really are no more details in this story unless this is the first new years with a significant other in which case it is the most romantic night of her life. Thus, she wins... second place. The First place trophy goes to the girl who made the best decision and stayed home with Carson Daly.
Which brings me to the final and winningest woman, Girl #6: The girl who stayed home. She knows that New Years is over rated and would rather save her time and money than be alone in a bathroom stall, or kissing a stranger, or kissing someone who could've been "the one" but was really a stranger, or getting too drunk and kissing her friends... Instead this smart well-adjusted cookie gave herself a facial, mani AND pedi, got 8 hours of sleep, and started her New Years exercise resolution at 9:00 a.m. January 1, instead of 2 months later.
In conclusion, It is my vow to ring in 2011 in the comfort of my own home and slippers. Preston and I had a great night but I can't tell you how much money I spent gawd damn it what a waste never again...
Love and Prius,
Bianca
How was your new years? I'm so glad I was in California. Coatless.
I know I say this every single year, but can we acknowledge this as the most overrated holiday ever? Put it in to perspective... Are we ever disappointed frolicking the streets of New York on St. Patty's day? No. Are we ever disappointed whilst riding beach cruisers on our Nation's Independence Day? Hell no! Poolside on Labor Day? NO. Halloween? I think you know the answer to that.
The expectations are the problem. We expect the epic night of the year, but all we end up with are pictures on facebook of how hot we looked after getting ready for three hours and disappointment. This country is filled with diverse women from all walks of life, but no matter who or where you are on New Years, the night always plays out the same. Regardless of who you are, you are one of the following girls on horribly overrated holiday:
Girl #1: The girl who conveniently ends up in the bathroom stall at 11:58 p.m. This girl has scanned the bar all night for Mr. 12:01, but has come up empty handed. This girl can be heard saying, "Omg you guys, can you believe I missed the countdown in the bathroom, I'm so bummed!" Except she's NOT bummed. She's super stoaked she made it into a stall instead of being stuck behind lip-locked strangers.
Which brings me to Girl #2: The lip-locked stranger. This girl is on a mission. She hasn't had a boyfriend for the last few New Years' and she's not about to ring in another year couped up in a bathroom stall. She's been scanning the bar all night for the right guy, but at 11:50 she's still standing with her posse. Alone. This girl waits until the last minute to see who hasn't paired up, then grabs the nearest guy and shares a smooch at the last second. Saved by the bell... This romance doesn't last through Auld Sang Lyne.
Girl #3: The "lets just be with our girls tonight" girl. This girl is out with her single friends and is not about to be alone when they find a guy. If she's sans man tonight you better believe so are the rest of her friends. She rings in the New Year with her posse in a big group hug. She can be heard saying, "We dont need guys, all we need is eachother!" This is immediately followed by a quick chug of wine, a roll of the eyes, and resentment from everyone within earshot. *This category has a sub category in the event Girl #3 drinks far too much in which the group hug is replaced with a big dirty group kiss. This is almost always documented, made viral and regretted. (I've been there).
Girl #4: The hopeless romantic. This girl started her night as Girl #3, hoping to be Girl #2, but lucks out and meets "THE ONE". Keep in mind that all women are especially vulnerable on this ridiculous holiday, so it doesn't take much for a man to charm the pants off one of us (Literally). This girl meets this guy when he buys her a drink. He listens to her, shares her passion for astrology and cats, and makes out with said romantic in to the wee hours of the new year. This girl can be heard saying, "I can't believe how lucky I am that I met this amazing guy, it's like a fairy tale!" Days later she can be heard saying.. "What a f*cking ass hole".
Girl #5: The girl in the relationship: She kisses her mate. There really are no more details in this story unless this is the first new years with a significant other in which case it is the most romantic night of her life. Thus, she wins... second place. The First place trophy goes to the girl who made the best decision and stayed home with Carson Daly.
Which brings me to the final and winningest woman, Girl #6: The girl who stayed home. She knows that New Years is over rated and would rather save her time and money than be alone in a bathroom stall, or kissing a stranger, or kissing someone who could've been "the one" but was really a stranger, or getting too drunk and kissing her friends... Instead this smart well-adjusted cookie gave herself a facial, mani AND pedi, got 8 hours of sleep, and started her New Years exercise resolution at 9:00 a.m. January 1, instead of 2 months later.
In conclusion, It is my vow to ring in 2011 in the comfort of my own home and slippers. Preston and I had a great night but I can't tell you how much money I spent gawd damn it what a waste never again...
Love and Prius,
Bianca
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