TYMU (Things You Must Understand)

Bridget, oh Bridget Bridgetty Bridge;
 
I can't believe you, my most cynical friend, were Jennifer Love Hewitt (J Love as I like to call her) on New Years. I'm happy for you because New Guy is a catch, but I still threw up in my mouth a little. I can't believe you're dating such a romantic guy! You. Tatooed, pierced, and scorned... is dating the Mark Ruffalo-John Cusak variety? Who are you and what have you done with my friend! Are you going to dye your hair blonde now? Change your tattoo from "BAMF" to "GIGGLE"?
 
*On a quick side note, I was able to match each Drama Whore (DW... also known as friends) with each of your described girls on new years.... I love them so much, they're so predictible. hehe.... PS: Our friend DW Capricorn, is still dating the dude she smooched on New Years. This is a record. More on that as it progresses.
 
So back to New Guy. You've been dating for about two months now, you're entering dangerous territory. And if I know anything about you (which clearly, I do), that means you are definitely in to him (he passed the 2 week test), but don't want to commit. What's a Bridget to do?! Let me offer some help on Commitment Jam 2010:
        Pros:
            -He's a drummer in a super kick-ass locally recognized band
            -He's smart 
            -He has the most well quaffed beard I've ever seen
            -He's a no-mo (non-mormon).
        Cons:
            -He's friends with that weird red head guy who bought us drinks that one night but then awkwardly confessed to having a girlfriend 
            -He's nerdy. (But you like that in a man, so I guess it's a pro)
            -You and Hacking just barely ended that plane crash of a break up
            -The lead singer of his kick-ass band wears pants so tight you can see his gibblets. I'm serious, he might as well have been naked.
 
Contemplate the above and get back to me on your decision. 
 
As far as that gun-toting ignorantista Palin is concerned, secretly I love it. They couldn't have picked a more polarizing person for this job. I just checked Fox News' website and they changed their slogan to unfair and lopsided! That's neat. 
 
Love and koala bears, Bianca 
xoxo
 
Things you must understand: 
DWs: Drama Whores. Why Bianca, can you use it in a sentence? Yes. "I hung out with the DWs last night, yadda yadda yadda, I woke up with someone elses panties on this morning".
DW Capricorn: A close friend of ours who loves make-up, cats, and astrology. All of our friends must remain anonymous.  
No-Mo: A person who does not believe in the mormon faith. AKA: Someone we would get along with. 
Hacking: Bridget's horrible sociopathic ex-boyfriend. The reference is Mark Hacking, if you don't know it, JFGI.
JFGI: Just f*^king google it.  
BAMF: Stands for Bad Ass Mother F*^ker. An acronym that is literally tattooed on Bridget's body... on a part that rhymes with rass.