From Bad to Worse

Bridget!
 
Good MORNING! I'm having a great day. Not only can I see blue sky for the first time in three days, but I have been keeping up with my running schedule. I figure with three half marathons in our future, I better get my new (and seriously awesome) Nike's on the pavement.
 
Thank you, by the way, for calling me a cynical b*tch. I sincerely appreciate that, and apologize for losing my way last week. I pride myself on my cynical b*tch (CB)-ness and to be reminded that I haven't strayed from my favorite flaw makes me feel good. As far marriage and babies are concerned, I very much appreciated your incredibly optimistic take on the whole situation. It's not often I get to hear such encouraging and cheerful words from a contemptuous biddy (CB) such as yourself.
 
In other good news, (I told you I was in a good mood today) I am wearing my skinny jeans. Every few months or so, I am reminded by this particular pair that I am beyond my 5 lb buffer, and need to shed a few. Which I have. (Thank you new, and seriously awesome Nikes.) I am feeling great, healthy, and skinny, but will tell you what doesn't make me feel all of those things: The worst ad campaign of Oh Ten, "I LOVE MY BODY" by Victoria's Secret.... Ya THINK!? Hi, I'm Alessandra Ambrosio and I love my body. No sh*t you love you body, you're a world famous swimsuit model. I love your body too. This is supposed to make us love our bodies, watching these skinny broads flaunt their hip bones on TV? It's not going to happen. This commercial makes me not love my body and is (definitively) the worst ad campaign of the year. Which brings me to the topic of my e-mail today. 5 Worst Ad Campaigns Ever (according to Bianca).
 
In order from bad to worse:
 
5: Viva Viagra
This is a male enhancement pill. Yet in this commercial a man is playing the guitar and singing Elvis songs around the campfire to his male friends. I don't think there is even a woman in the commercial at all. Take Viagra and meet friends, learn how to play the guitar, and drive an old car again. Unless his wife is supposed to be an analogy for the old car, this commercial was flaccid. (Puns are hard. (Pun Intended)).
 
4: Kayak.com
If someone can tell me what these commercials mean, I will take this off the list. I guess I'm disappointed by these commercials because Kayak.com is one of my favorite websites. I don't book a hotel or flight without it! But the couple making out during the meeting, I just don't understand it. Why seeing this middle-aged couple mack on each other is supposed to make me visit their site or even remember the brand is beyond me. But I'm open to suggestions on this one.
 
3: Levi Jeans
Levi is a notoriously '90s brand and has a very small cool quotient in the zeros. (Is that what we're calling it, the zeros....). In so many words, they should be advertising to a wide variety of folks. So when they came out with that ad campaign where the two people are ripping each others jeans off, not only did they make me uncomfortable, they seriously marginalized their demographic. You're either 20, horny, and wear Levi's or your the other 99% of the population. Idiots.
 
2: GoDaddy.com
For starters, Danica Patrick is not hot. I'm a woman who is attracted to men who do not watch Nascar, so I may be way off the mark here, but I just don't see her as the embodiment of "sex sells". Not only are these commercials completely nonsensical, but I still have no idea what they are selling. Every ad ends with, to see the end of the story, visit GoDaddy.com. I'm not going to do it. It might be porn.
 
1: Quiznos
Quiznos has a long history of bad advertising; the creepy baby, the dirty talking rats, but this most recent ad takes the gross cake. The talking toaster that says, "Put it in me, Scott"... As in, put the phallic sandwich in the warm manly toaster. I just don't know how this innuendo is supposed to make me want a sandwich. I guess Quiznos wants their sandwiches to be tained with rat hair and $%#& sex.
 
In ironic news, I just saw an article on MSNBC.com that read, "Toyota Ads Lure Back Buyers". I wish I had more time to talk about the "Runaway Prius" story I just read on the news, but I have to go home for the day by choice. Please elaborate on this hilarious and ridiculous situation.
 
Stand by your van. (By van, I of course mean Prius).
Bianca.