Bianca en Español

Happy Friday!
 
I apologize for this short and sweet e-mail, but I am so swamped at work. I've just really gotten myself in to a pinch here ever since I embelleshed my resume. I'm not a fluent Spanish speaker, and I should not have told them that I was. I am a broken-Spanish-speaker/conversational-Spanish-understander. The only thing I have going for me in this situation is that nobody around me speaks it, and they believe my translations whole heartedly. 
 
Just barely, I had a coworker walk a letter up to my desk from an angry Spanish speaking consumer. She asked me to translate the letter for her. I speak White-Girl-San-Diego Spanish, not pissed off Pharmaceutical Spanish. Also, I don't decode handwriting very well, either. I recognized two words out of the whole foreign chicken scratched letter. I thought to myself, if I was a Spanish speaker who was using our drugs, what would I be angry about... "She's Mexican. She can't read her pill bottle. And she's mad. About that.".... My coworker gave me a look like she was impressed with my worldy communication skills, then asked if I could write the angry woman an apology letter. F.M.F.L.
 
After closer inspection of the letter, I found out that the woman was upset because her irritable bowel medication is making her bowels more irritated than before. What am I supposed to say to that, Senora Martinez, I'm sorry that our medication is making you sh*t. It sounds like you have enough sh*t in your life already, and the last thing you need is more sh*t.
 
You'd think four months living in Spain would give me the language skills needed to respond to such a letter. But nay, I live in Utah, the whitest place on earth.
 
With the incredible wealth of my Spanish vernacular, I've come up with this: You shit, we're sorry.
 
The story of my life.
 
Amor y Besos, Bianca.